That Ocean of Yours

It has always been tons of mixed feelings when I see this person on screen. Something that I have a hard time to decipher what it means~ Jumbled feeling. To easily putting it into words, I am deeply moved.. Somewhere in my chest facing a whirlwind of random feelings all stirred together. It came out as tears that I myself unable to comprehend let alone giving you proper explanation of why or how. 

As I wrote before, there is something about his subtle gestures that hit me like a thunder right on my chest. It is like an unimaginable experience that you continuously having when you see something. It is not an obsession, it is about the way certain things/people make you feel. 

When I watch this clip, there is something in me that tries to find its way out but it cannot find a way, so it is just making chaos inside~ I am deeply moved. Can you imagine how some unique cinematography could blow your mind and the object inside is someone you fancy a lot. Double impacts. No triple... maybe more.

I am always intrigued by people who are well composed and cold. They rarely lose themselves. Everything seems boring in a glance while actually there are more to see that what meets the eye. This kind of people have a super power of self restrain that only certain people can make them lose it. They are like the tip of an iceberg. Their minimalism is the way to show the world that they are cool with everything while sometimes they are not.

How do you know when they unleash the fence? It is from their subtle gestures. Let's say if other people can laugh the shit out of themselves, they would just put some slight smirk that shows they are highly amused. Can you imagine if he laughs at you? What does it mean? It means you jumped in his territory and you break inside his house in an amusing way that instead of pissing him off, you actually amuse him. When this kind of people smile at you, give him a hug or a slight pat of recognition of his amusement towards you~ You have successfully entered his sacred self and just enjoy yourself when you are there because it could be a one time experience kinda thing..

Subtle gesture.. What can I say? When other people say their mind outloud, a cool people like him would keep it for himself. For his own amusement. They would disagree with a light headshake or  a thin sarcastic smile that people translate as being amused. No, he is not amused, he is mocking you. Hard.

The way he walks, the way he puts his hands on his pockets.. He does not care about anything~ He just wants to walk around.. seeing things for his own amusement. 

I watched this clip over and over last night and this morning I watched it again and tears came out of nowhere. I am not even in my period. I guess it is his whole existence? Why is he so beautiful even when he did nothing, just standing there with blank face.. Not even trying to grab attention~ It is hard to find the right word when beautiful sounds like an underrated word because too many people use it for something that is just mediocre. 

Instead of saying I love you, I just want to say thanks for your existence. Maybe one day, when you have time.. Call me? We can have a coffee somewhere, just sit together. You don't even have to bring up anything to talk. We can just stare at each other, saying nothing. Or you can do whatever you want and just let me stare at you for as long as you permit me to. Nothing harsh or judgmental. Just pure gratitude that God creates someone like you whom I hardly know but able to move me in such a way I can see this world subtly smiles and nods in acceptance that indeed someone like you is too pristine to miss. I recognize you from gazillion metres distance and I know how you walk, how you smile, how your cheekbones went up when you are deeply amused by something, how your hands hold your coffee cup, how you turn your head to something you accept as disturbance and you immediately internally say it to bugger off.

Dear Nico, I love your whole existence. It is so unfair for someone like you to be the writing object of someone like me who only has 100 vocabs top. But I tried what I could and believe me I want my words to have 1000x of impact but I could not. This is for you who move me. Please stay amazing.