Before getting to far, this is not about work. I love my job and I am a happy staff. This is about something more serious. Since a couple of months I decided to join moslem matchmaking group after being told over and over by a dear friend. I honestly joined it just to make her happy knowing that I want to give a try to something, making efforts to meet someone outside my circle.
That day I wrote down a short profile (a kind of virtual form made by the ustadz) and I gave out a photo, sent them via whatsapp. Apparently the ustadz knows someone who could probably "match" with me. Here is the mistake began. The ustadz gave my profile and photo to that man. Let's call that man as X. X was kind of busy that week, so I must wait the new CV from him. The ustadz actually had the profile once, but he lost it so he must asked for the new one.
I was waiting and waiting... It took forever until one time I was mad to my friend because I never got the CV and it made me feel horrible bcos I don't even know anything about this guy except his photo (that I deleted immediately bcos I don't want to judge people by their appearance). Time flew really fast, I did not have the time to check and until I went to Denmark for a week, I went back again... Still no CV~
At first I did not bother because X is kinda busy person (according to the ustadz). I let it slide again until today I meet my sister and I told her that. She said how long has it been... According to her it was not fair because X can make judgement about me already while I cannot do anything to him because I don't even have his CV.
Today evening I messaged my friend saying that I will give a few more days to have this thing sort out. I watched a movie with my sister after that. When the movie is finished suddenly I have this thought on quitting the taaruf program because I feel miserable about myself for being someone "offered" to someone who I don't even know in person.
I quit everything today and I will never join such club again because it is potentially destroying myself from the inside.
I have this thought about men, if they are interested, they will come no matter what. X has been putting me in such a weak position. I hate myself and I am constantly embarrassed when that thought came. If X is committed, he would spare sometimes to get to know me better, so that we both can decide if we will move forward or quit.
I feel humiliated because of this and that is why I quit all of this mess.
I can elaborate with my thoughts but I do not want to. Apparently I am not pretty enough or smart enough. Thanks for the chance but maybe we are not compatible for each other. I will move on with my life. Excuse me~
“How was your trip?” You said with a friendly smile on your face. I answered “It was amazing. I never cared so much about building and interior design, but I love the buildings in the city and I love the interior design there”.
You leaned your body at the door, ready to listen more. You are not just asking for the sake of it. You genuinely want to know. I guess… I can see that from your gestures. Because you can always choose to not asking. It was a tiring day and you deserve some rest and not caring for some shits of what people saying about a trip. A business. Yet, you asked anyway… Sometimes I wonder if you really know who you are, like… can you speak to me like that? You are far too busy for that, yet you gave some of your precious time anyway.
You always listen. Genuinely listen. The sparkling eyes, the real joy when I said I enjoyed my trip… probably some sprinkles of pride knowing that the city is indeed lovable. You should be proud. I would be, if I were one of you.
I cannot thank you enough for the chance you gave me. I would always look up to you as a person with genuine kindness towards others, as someone who sets examples of how to be a good person.
Always thankful. Thanks God who leads my way to where you at.
Photo location: Eigtveds Pakhus
Photo taker: me