20091229

Within me...

Heartache
마음아뽀
Next month would be the month that decides my life. A life changing time. I should have done this before, but I believe it happens now for reasons. Only Allah SWT knows that, I never intend to find out though my curiosity drives me insane.
I’ve been hopeful. Too much hopeful. Believing that a miracle might happen and BOOM! my life changes in seconds.
I hold this hope tightly. I’ve never dreamt of anything like this before. Packing my things and transfer myself to the outer world which I know nothing about. Tons of worries hang on my shoulder, though it is not the time yet. I haven’t even got the decision.
I’ve been thinking about some things. Some things that might happen, and I am clueless about how to overcome or to be succeed. To win the battle of my own. I am must be out of my mind. Again.
My hopeful thoughts has driven liters of tears from my eyes. The fear of rejection has been there in front of my door. Knocking. Failure, though I experienced it a lot of times, seems to be unacceptable and heart-breaking. I am fragile, that’s not something new, but I want to be strong. As a woman. As a human. As His servant.
My prayer…
I believe I never pray this much in my life. Asking for a chance that might not happen in my life, again. Mid 2008, I was thinking to myself, why do I always leave the prayer room so fast, while the others are still there. They were asking, requesting, begging for something. And me? I just walked out that door, not needing anything beside the health of my parents and the happiness from my family. What about me? What is my request? What is my dream? What do I yearn for? Nothing. Until this time comes and Allah shows me that I need Him. I need Allah.
I’ve been arrogant, that’s the thing I won’t deny. But that day I confess everything, that I need Allah more than anything. I realize that Allah is the only way I can reach my dream. Allah is my source of life. Allah is my soul.
I asked Allah for forgiveness. For being cocky. For forgetting Him. Allah does not need me. I need Him.
I always love the way Allah embrace me back. Allah gives me this hope and deep down I know, Allah is the only one who can make it come true. It is so beautiful to know that Allah wants me back. Allah wants me to be His believer. I do believe in Allah. But never this much. I lay my life on Allah. I did what I could to reach my dreams and let Him decide the best thing for me.
In my prayer I told him over and over.
Ya Allah… please give me this opportunity. I beg you, please… You know how much I want to be abroad, no matter how, where, when. I’ve always wanted it since I learn my English for the first time.
Besides, I want to learn how to be responsible to my own life. I want to live with my own feet, try to cope with my own feeling, just to face life with the whole guts that I have. And of course, I am dreaming all the time to make my parents proud of me. That would be the bonus.
If Allah decides not to give me what I want, then… it must be the best for me. Lately, I can feel His enormous love for me. I’ve been bad, so ashamed to say this, but He took me back. He let me feel his Love again. I have to say, it is good to be loved, to feel loved. Thank you, Allah. I know, thank you would never be enough.
I just want to be strong on the day it is announced. I would do my best not to sulk or to question Allah’s privilege for it will only say one thing. Whatever it is, it’s gonnabe for my best.
Ya Allah…
I believe in you.
I put my faith on you with all my heart and soul.
Please forgive my whining and unthankfulness.
Please let me love you with all my heart and the strength I have.
You are the source of Love, Hope and Faith.
I LOVE YOU, and Love would never be enough.
Hugs,
Jingga

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