Since you left this world

Since you left this world, it is becoming a sadder place to live. No day is passing without me thinking what I could have done to stop you from walking away. I just wish I could go back to the day you decided to go. Let me convince you, let me tell you that this place is never been as beautiful, without you.. the huge empty space impossible to be filled by anyone or anything.

The grief is so heavy that it draws the cloud into darker shade. The grief that turns the cloud into water that falls. The grief that guides the flow to the river, where it dissolves. No matter how long it goes, this wretchedness would never be washed away. Too much lamentation to be left unerased and unsounded.. the mist of torment that lingers, I cannot breathe. How I wish I could be there where you were, just to be there with your decision... and do anything I can to freeze the time. You should've let me try.

*a poem for Chester Bennington who took a piece of my heart with him when he went away


Environmentally Adaptable?

A conversation about how dangerous toxic environment for human being with Lia this afternoon made me realize that there is no other way than to leave. Why? Because you cannot change environment a.k.a people.

You won’t believe how adaptive human being can be. No matter what environment people live, they will shape themselves and adapt to the environment. Positive environment will produce positive individuals, while if you are surrounded by angry hot headed people, you will become like them more or less.

Have you ever find yourself blurted out random anger to people for small matters, non-principal thing? Do you think those people deserve your anger to them? Think again. Maybe it’s time for you to live, otherwise you will change into that person who you hate the most, little by little.

I am not hating you, but after thinking for a long while we never actually have things in common. There is only one thing that unites us and it is not enough base for us to be friends. You have taken me for granted for so many times that I lose counts. We need to end this abuse of friendship shit. Let’s be acquaintances the way we should be.

This one thing about someone who forced me to take down her photo on my social media with the worst attitude. I cannot accept it. If it is said nicely, I will take down the photo and we will still be friends.


Met him

Have you ever met someone and all you want to do is giving a hug, patting on the back and some words of "it's okay, I'm with you and you are fine" *continues the hug...
That is the first reaction when I first met this guy, he came up to the office looking grumpy as I have guessed. Just a "Hi" from me and nothing more. When my colleague asked him what does he want to drink, he said "water" or "air putih" and at that time his eyes darted on me. I swear to God, at that moment I just wanna reply "are you sure you just want a glass water? Because if you ask for the world right now, I might give it to you right away. LOL. *sigh
But then after that of course he is directed to my other colleague and I continued my work. But I must tell you, that day I could not work! LOL. My head is so full, I could not think. Why is he so beautiful. Arghhh... 

He is so beautiful. He is cold and ethereal. I tried really hard not to fangirl and I tried not to look too interested or too thirsty. Sorry... I have a pride monster to feed, so... 

Anyway, that day was indeed very short. I could not even take picture of him at all. I felt like something was about to explode from my chest. I wanted to cry and to hold someone but of course I could not. I just thought that if it was meant to be, I would be able to meet him in a better condition, better place without even trying. And it is better for me not to be able to meet him too long, otherwise I would have a longer starstruck! LOL

Anyway, I am glad we met. 


That Ocean of Yours

It has always been tons of mixed feelings when I see this person on screen. Something that I have a hard time to decipher what it means~ Jumbled feeling. To easily putting it into words, I am deeply moved.. Somewhere in my chest facing a whirlwind of random feelings all stirred together. It came out as tears that I myself unable to comprehend let alone giving you proper explanation of why or how. 

As I wrote before, there is something about his subtle gestures that hit me like a thunder right on my chest. It is like an unimaginable experience that you continuously having when you see something. It is not an obsession, it is about the way certain things/people make you feel. 

When I watch this clip, there is something in me that tries to find its way out but it cannot find a way, so it is just making chaos inside~ I am deeply moved. Can you imagine how some unique cinematography could blow your mind and the object inside is someone you fancy a lot. Double impacts. No triple... maybe more.

I am always intrigued by people who are well composed and cold. They rarely lose themselves. Everything seems boring in a glance while actually there are more to see that what meets the eye. This kind of people have a super power of self restrain that only certain people can make them lose it. They are like the tip of an iceberg. Their minimalism is the way to show the world that they are cool with everything while sometimes they are not.

How do you know when they unleash the fence? It is from their subtle gestures. Let's say if other people can laugh the shit out of themselves, they would just put some slight smirk that shows they are highly amused. Can you imagine if he laughs at you? What does it mean? It means you jumped in his territory and you break inside his house in an amusing way that instead of pissing him off, you actually amuse him. When this kind of people smile at you, give him a hug or a slight pat of recognition of his amusement towards you~ You have successfully entered his sacred self and just enjoy yourself when you are there because it could be a one time experience kinda thing..

Subtle gesture.. What can I say? When other people say their mind outloud, a cool people like him would keep it for himself. For his own amusement. They would disagree with a light headshake or  a thin sarcastic smile that people translate as being amused. No, he is not amused, he is mocking you. Hard.

The way he walks, the way he puts his hands on his pockets.. He does not care about anything~ He just wants to walk around.. seeing things for his own amusement. 

I watched this clip over and over last night and this morning I watched it again and tears came out of nowhere. I am not even in my period. I guess it is his whole existence? Why is he so beautiful even when he did nothing, just standing there with blank face.. Not even trying to grab attention~ It is hard to find the right word when beautiful sounds like an underrated word because too many people use it for something that is just mediocre. 

Instead of saying I love you, I just want to say thanks for your existence. Maybe one day, when you have time.. Call me? We can have a coffee somewhere, just sit together. You don't even have to bring up anything to talk. We can just stare at each other, saying nothing. Or you can do whatever you want and just let me stare at you for as long as you permit me to. Nothing harsh or judgmental. Just pure gratitude that God creates someone like you whom I hardly know but able to move me in such a way I can see this world subtly smiles and nods in acceptance that indeed someone like you is too pristine to miss. I recognize you from gazillion metres distance and I know how you walk, how you smile, how your cheekbones went up when you are deeply amused by something, how your hands hold your coffee cup, how you turn your head to something you accept as disturbance and you immediately internally say it to bugger off.

Dear Nico, I love your whole existence. It is so unfair for someone like you to be the writing object of someone like me who only has 100 vocabs top. But I tried what I could and believe me I want my words to have 1000x of impact but I could not. This is for you who move me. Please stay amazing.



Do you know?

How often do you feel like you cannot understand yourself? Someone whom you know for as long as you live (because that person is you) did something driven by emotion but you fail to crack the code. What was it?

Have you ever watched a movie/clip that always make you tear up for no reason? You check your inside and everything is still in place. What was it? Tears are not cheap, you gotta know what you spent it for, no?

How did you make yourself cry and how did you not know why that happened? Aren’t you supposed to be the one who know yourself? Go figure!

Photo: Snapped from Davy Linggar’s work “Kali Kedua” MV